Yes, this Chocolate Bar actually does Matter!

This is the most difficult piece of self reflection that I think I've ever written during my time in Africa. Learning is difficult. This is an understatement. The first step of learning is self reflection and sometimes it hits you right smack dab in the face when you least expect it.

Since before Africa, the African bound Beyond Border students have discussed spending a half week over Canada Day in Kampala and going to Nairobi in July. It was a much anticipated adventure which took fourteen hours one way by bus to get to Uganda.

I originally wanted to write about my expereiences at 'Reach Out,' the organization that Brile and Natalia are working for the summer but the reality of our Canada Day celebrations meant something completely different for me and made me rethink the intent and purpose of my summer travels.

I want to start out by saying that I believe ALL of the Beyond Border students are doing good work this summer and are working to be a tiny part of the transformation of the communities they live in but this transformation causes both an equal and opposite reaction that can result in consequence.

Kampala is the city of nightlife in Africa and we were all celebrating Canada Day as a one off celebration to think about the country we call home. Dancing in the bar, something hit me. No it wasn't the African Beer: Bell, Tusker or Nile to name a few. The feeling felt like emptiness, guilt and remorse among other feelings that I can't put into words. I looked around at the decision I had made. Sure I was with friends but I made a concious decision to go to the bar, order drinks and take silly pictures. Did I need any of this?

I made a remark on the Friday on the bus saying Ugandaa would be a much deserved break from work. What was I thinking? I understand what I wrote about tourism before and I don't want to back peddle my comments on what I wrote but its hard not to give this topic more thought. The truth: $50 USA for a Ugandan visa, $44 USA for a round trip bus ticket and $125 USA to go white water rafting on the Nile. I am scared of the decision that I made and even more petrified at how easily I made the decision that could have sent two of my students at ACREF to school for an entire year.

What killed me most was that what I spent was not necessary at all. I could have spent a weekend in Uhuru Park, Nairobi, playing Frisbee but I made a decision to have a weekend that seems motivated by my own selfishness. The weekend cost a lot of money that could have been spent on truly better, more enriching opportunities. At the exact same time, I feel like I forged further bonds with friends that will be around for a long time and personally challenged myself. I don't know how to swim so white water rafting was an exhiliarating experience which challenged me to overcome a fear. I felt good being able to raft and felt that I grew as a person while will help me to be a better teacher because now I can share a story about overcoming an obstacle. Does it feel like enough of a reason to spend an absurd amount of money when the people your working with are having a challenge to have any sort of standard of living? Absolutely not. There is no easy answer.

The rafting instructor said to us that just by being here you are supporting industry and the people. The simplicity of the comment bothered me but in some ways it can be true. Looking at a corporation model, we think about the consumer market and how it affects industry. I will use McDonald's as an example because McDonald's does not exist in Nairobi so locals love talking about it with foreigners. The everyday consumer who purchases from McDonald's alllows McDonald's to keep millions of people employed worldwide and supports their workers and their families. It is difficult even for me to write this knowing how simplistic the comment is. There are obvious problems. Could McDonald's pay their workers more? Do McDonald's workers on a whole have a living wage? Can McDonald's do more? Who is getting rich in the corporation model? Notwithstanding the obvious problems, McDonald's was one of the few corporations to hire and grow their industry in 2010. McDonald's alone had a hiring blitz and as the second largest land owner next to the Catholic Church in the world, continue to hire millions of people worldwide and serving millions more. I digress back to there being no easy answer.

For the most part, I have tried to put my money to good use. I have tried to support local vendors when purchasing gifts for loved ones  instead of buying very tourist items from the city centre. I try to spread my shillings across the board when making everyday purchases like food so I support a variety of people in the community. Sometimes, its hard to believe that your doing enough or that your dollar is going far enough. Other times, you know the money you've spent has meant something to that individual.

I have tried to be kind to all the people I have met but especially considerate to the people that have helped me when I was not at 100 percent. One of my favourite simple moments was leaving the Comboni missionary house in Kampala thirty minutes before our bus back to Nairobi was set to leave. Did I mention it was rush hour? We had to take Boda Boda's and the cost was 3000 Ugandan Shillings or a little more then one Canadian dollar. My driver was great and knew that I was a little uneasy riding a motorcycle (Remember, they don't where helmets in Africa). The driver took it slow and got us to the bus on time. I handed him 5000 Ugandan Shillings ($2 CAD) and could see the surprise and gratefulness he had from getting that extra boost of money which was pennies to me and millions to him.

I guess the lesson to be learned is moderation. Emma and I discussed purchasing chocolate. I think we've both come to the conclusion that our money can be better spent elsewhere because even though a chocolate bar is so inexpensive, it actually does matter. I think this is the first step: evaluating where your money on a whole is going towards. What do I actually need? What is it that I actually want? Going from there, drawing the line is difficult. I still have to find my comfort zone and the middle ground but I do know that I am more cognizant of the choices I make. I am making a commitment to think about how my choice impacts the web I have weaved around me.

Even with a commitment to change and think; the feeling is still there. The privilege and ability still evokes a strong feeling of guilt and makes me resentful of the self centered and 'have to have' culture we've created in our own western bubble especially since I've seen people with nothing give so much of themselves to me and offer me what little they do have when they know I have more.